First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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