i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
