I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
