Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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