I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
