her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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