So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize