At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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