I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
