He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The air was thick with penises
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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