i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
