You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
