the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
