Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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