dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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