I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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