On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
