I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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