Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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