I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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