I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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