Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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