I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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