My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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