wrigley field is MILF paradise
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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