I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
