I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he fucked my hip out of place.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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