I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
