Just fell off a train. Bad.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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