So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think my fart just growled at me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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