Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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