my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
