shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
