I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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