My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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