I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
