you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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