you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
