im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
