I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
