You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
