the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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