So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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