Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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