my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
