yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
