If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
