she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
