I heard we made out
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
