In America we eat man semen.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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