9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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