dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
