You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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