This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
