well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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