I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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