Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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