there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
