Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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