Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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