I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize